Hebrews 4:12 The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
Slip Sliding Away...
It has been a long time since I've journaled my travels with the Lord. He's been circumcising my heart and leading me through the Refiner's fire.
Since October of 2009, I've had a hip replaced, turned over a ministry the Lord had begun through me to another capable leader, answered the call to open our home to foster children and learned it was waaaaaay harder than I'd imagined.
In 2010 mid-year I slipped into depression feeling inadequately equipped to minister to the broken, needy foster children God entrusted to our care. The battle with many persistent minions of the enemy went on and on.
When new year came, I was certain things would turn around. But life became tougher. I learned my sister was quite ill, possibly dying of cancer and unwilling to get medical treatment. When I drove six hundred miles to see her, her husband refused to let me in. It was devastating and of course, that age old question plagued me, "why? How could the Lord let me drive all that way for nothing?"
I was beginning to doubt my faith and started counseling with our pastor. There were many things in my past I hadn't dealt with and a long list of people I hadn't forgiven, including myself. The Holy Spirit did the convicting and I actually listened for a change. I had been living in a valley of shadows, sinking in the bogs, starving from lack of The Word, and thirsty for the Living Water to fill and cleanse me. Prayers were perfunctory at best.
Mama always used to say, "recognizing a problem is half the battle." There I was knowing full well I had wandered far from God. But I didn't have the strength to climb out of the pit I was in. Pastor Fred helped me see that I'd been trying to "fix" broken people all my life, a tremendous burden to carry and impossible feat to accomplish. Only God can mend the people I love. "Have faith and trust God," he said.
My best friend said, "you can't even fix yourself, what makes you think you can fix anyone else? Trust God, He can."
Then I got a video message from a friend's mother who was near the end of her battle with cancer and ready to meet Jesus. Her message, in brief: Trust God because He cares. The same day I received a message from a prayer partner who said she had a word from the Lord for me. I needed to put my trust in God who is more than able. "Begin by praising Him," she wrote.
I heard God speak through those close to me. My life was an emotional mess and I wanted to disappear. Only by His strength was I able to move through the fog and find my Bible. It was covered with dust.
Back in January our fellowship began a journey on a path of Extreme Faith. We started by reading a book by David Platt called Radical. I had finished the book and was reading Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicik, both volumes offering inspirational empowerment.
The key in all cases I learned, is not just reading God's word, but hearing Him speak through it. Duh. I knew that - intellectually. But when I thought I was ready for real meat, I wasn't able to fully digest and process the information. Those files of information up there in my brain were essentially useless.
When Pastor Fred announced the Biblical path we'd be taking for the year 2011, he offered a Bible reading guide published by The Navigators which encouraged me to get started. I dusted my Bible and began to read according to the guide.
About half way through that first session, I got a call from the same prayer partner who'd emailed me earlier. She encouraged me to stop what I was doing and praise God. She prayed for me and when we hung up, I did as instructed. I got on my knees and began saying words of praise but they felt empty and meaningless. The Holy Spirit prompted me to move.
Sensing that I was not to stand, but remain submissive in God's presence at that time, I crawled into my bedroom to get my cell phone. I put the ear buds in and began to listen to my favorite praise and worship music - love and joy filled my heart and I sang out to the Lord with a huge smile and tears streaming down. Then I stood with hands held high singing praises for quite awhile with no awareness of passing time. In fact, I didn't really feel my body at all, being completely immersed in worshiping God. I suppose I sang twenty or thirty of my favorites, all of them pure praise, for more than an hour.
Afterward, I fell to my knees and wept. Just as the first time I met Jesus and submitted my life to Him forever, I began to confess and there were sins flashing before my eyes I had never acknowledged, stupid little "white lies," disrespectfulness to God and people, sarcasm, judgement, gossip, and more. I was horrified at how filthy my life had become. My life was a reflection of my dusty unused Bible. In that short time of praise to our Father, I had been radically transformed again.
Suddenly, God's Word came alive before my eyes. The very meaning of Hebrews 4:12 was released from my head to my heart. Bam! It was like I "saw" His truth in a way that felt like the stage lights suddenly snapped on and the show began. I could literally visualize events unfolding as I read and studied. Every word was like savoring a perfect juicy filet mignon. My burning thirst was quenched by gushing waters of hope, encouragement, wisdom, and understanding.
In an instant, God healed my depression and I regained my energy to compose and play music, write, and nurture the broken hearts in our home. The foster child we have at present has become a completely different child - he no longer oppositional and defiant. Everything is different because I submitted to God willing to be changed.
Are there still struggles? Of course. There will always be struggles. But walking with Jesus is a journey for life and we must keep our eyes on Him to follow where He leads.
Tomorrow, I will share the mission God has planted in my heart through Radical Faith believing and trusting His Living Active Word.
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
